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Jul. 21st, 2017 11:55 pm
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[personal profile] labelleizzy
I was brave tonight in a very momentary, very specific, bodies are weird kinda way.

I heard myself consider the two alternative options lightning fast and then chose the least wasteful option because I only had a second to choose.

And it worked, and my body resettled itself, and I finished the rest of my tasks.

I just wanted to say that I'm proud of myself for sucking up the awkward decision and that my body came through like a champ for me.

healing after being sick

Jul. 20th, 2017 10:20 pm
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[personal profile] labelleizzy
getting over a nasty sinus infection that settled in my chest. Again.

it got bad enough this weekend that I couldn't sleep and my abdominal muscles started locking up after the violence of the spasmodic coughing.

never again will I wait so long before seeking help.

One: I have two kinds of bronchial inhalers, I will use BOTH, I will remember that I HAVE both and will use both when I start getting in trouble.

Two: one night of no-sleep is the dealbreaker now. One night, then get the doctor.

Three: try and figure out wtf is the problem with my head (I know, my mom was like this too) that makes it so I'd rather harm myself literally than perceive that I was disappointing other people.

Four: the doctor is there to help preserve your health and life. they're not put out when you go to see them with an actual problem, and if they are, then you need to see another doctor.

Five: crowdsourcing your health advice is a not-horrible option when you have people who actually do give a shit about you and not just posting clever quips. (My friends DO give a shit, I've seen other people get much less helpful comments, the bastards)

Six: saying I CAN'T BREATHE WELL if true, is an excellent way to get taken seriously with my HMO.

Seven: My HMO did good work again, I'm just saying.

Eight: it's time to write down all the meds I'm taking and when, so I can make sure to take ALL OF THEM (I forgot to do the inhalers till well around dinner time and it wasn't very fun.

Nine: More water, more hydration, and I want to go pick up some of that guaifenisin stuff to add to the regimen; and I need to get more sleep.

10: I'll be done with the antibiotics by this time next week but I need to keep using the inhalers through the first week of August (21 days since onset, minimum)

Ten things make a list, ergo a blog post. Sorry this is boring, glad I'm not dead (or suffering like I was before).

Bodies like whoa

Jul. 19th, 2017 07:40 pm
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[personal profile] labelleizzy
That feel when there's a... Something, under the skin of my lip. It may be a pimple someday, right now it feels like someone's implanted a slightly squishy ball bearing in the middle of my upper left lip and I can't seem to stop fussing at the thing.

Bodies can be so weird.
labelleizzy: (check please shitty)
[personal profile] labelleizzy
Story Title: Open The Bottle, Dex
Fandom: Check, Please! (webcomic)
Link(s):check it out on the AO3
Summary:
Warnings: None. Teenage hockey boys falling in love (or realizing they HAVE fallen)
Characters: Will (Dex) Poindexter, Christopher (Chowder) Chow, Derek (Nursey) Nurse
Pairings: Nursey/Dex/Chowder
When I Started: Last year, summer of 2016, as a prompt!fic on Tumblr
How I Lost My Shit: I just got... most of the way done, then stopped. Recently have been diagnosed with ADHD and am practicing habits of Completing What I Start by finding ways to be held accountable.
How I Finished My Shit: I joined WIP Big Bang and I finished by July 14 "because I said I would", thus holding myself accountable by promising someone else I would finish it.

Life is a gorgeous, broken gift.

Jul. 11th, 2017 10:12 pm
naamah_darling: The right-side canines of a wolf's skull; the upper canine is made of gold. (Default)
[personal profile] naamah_darling
I lost a very, very old friend over the weekend.  The illness was sudden, acute, and ultimately fatal.  In less than a week, she was gone.

We weren't so close that her material absence will affect me on a daily basis.  I didn't see her often.  But I respected her, and she had an effect on who I am today. Without her I would be a slightly different version of me, not the me I am.

My own grief and pain is still daily, and pressing.  It's right and fair, it's proof I loved someone, and so it's not something I want to turn away from or bury.  I cared about her, and I am reasonably sure she cared about me, but this is nowhere near as devastating to me as it is for others who knew her better, saw her more, loved her in ways that I did not.  That hurts to see.  All the pain I can't help alleviate in any real way.

So it hurts, yeah, and it is frightening to know that someone so young could die so suddenly -- she was DECADES away from a reasonable age to go.  It's terrifying to watch this happen, knowing how helpless everyone was to stop it, seeing how it left everyone bereft, and how all of us, every one, is going to go through a version of this with someone they love.

That bit, the anxiety over the unavoidable future, is the part that's been hardest to cope with.  I know how to grieve, and grief is not unhealthy.  Anxiety doesn't help anyone.

So yeah, that's been a little rough.

I'm also doing some really hard work in therapy.  Working on old trauma that is holding me back.

And I'm doing some medical stuff that has also been difficult -- I'm over one of the big humps, and things are going so fucking well with that I can hardly believe it, but it was really stressful going in, and there is more difficult stuff ahead of me.  The goal of the therapy is to get me well enough to do it.  I'm not looking forward to it, but it's a thing I'd like to have in the rearview, not the passenger seat.  You know?

I am caught in the middle of a complicated and frightening life that is nevertheless very beautiful.  I am doing well, I am doing poorly, I am doing everything at once, feeling everything at once.  It's hard and it's easy, it's good and it's bad.  It's all so unstable.  All I know is that I don't care how fucked up everything is, I want to be here.  I am happy to be here.  This is a good place to be, even when it's terrible.  I very much want to live.  I am very glad to have a future again.

ETA: She was an organ donor, and that saved lives.  I have registered to become one.  I urge you to consider doing so as well, if you are able.

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